It's interesting how our perception of time evolves as we grow older. In a cruel changing of the tides, we shift from a naive belief that time passes slowly to a painful awareness that time is in fact fleeting. The phrase "the days are long but the years are short" comes to mind, specifically when I find myself stuck in the monotony of the daily grind.
This awareness of time was one of the reasons I felt inclined to blog about gratitude last year. I wanted to live more presently and stretch out my year by filling it with memorable moments of intentional gratitude.
Now that I am in my 30's, I have more awareness of the fleeting moments in life, both the good and the bad. Thankfully, with that understanding also comes the realization that life is meant for thriving and not just surviving. I spent over a decade hating the girl I saw in the mirror and not allowing her to grow and take up her rightful space in the world. It still hurts my heart when I think of all the time I spent hating and punishing my body, pushing myself to extremes and still never feeling truly happy.
Contentment is a state of being that many of us aspire toward and yet seem to consistently fall short of, at least that is our perception. America was essentially founded on the dream of abundance and with each generation the urge for bigger, better, and more has created an ever widening chasm between us and the goal of contentment.
In one of my favorite documentaries "Happy" the directors travel the world asking a simple question: "What makes us happy?" I remember feeling particularly moved by the simplistic joys of people in poverty stricken third world countries, but also guilty when looking at the waste and excess that abounds in my home country.
My two biggest takeaways from this movie were:
1. Love and happiness are NOT mutually exclusive
2. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude
I truly believe that my year of gratitude in 2020 (talk about flipping the script) allowed me to cross the threshold of my 30s as my highest vibrational self to that point. Over the past two years I have allowed my body to grow and take up the space that it has so desperately desired to take up. In reframing my disordered thoughts around food and my body and replacing them with loving-kindness, I have not only found moments of self-love, but have opened myself to the love of another. Something I was utterly incapable of when I was stuck in my eating disorder.
In celebration and recognition of my 2 year mark of being ALL IN with my ED recovery, I got a tattoo in June. The doodle is from one of my favorite poems by Rupi Kaur. Both the doodle and the poem resonated deeply with me when I was in treatment at Mirasol for Anorexia and Bulimia.
Often times when I feel vulnerable, scared, sad, or otherwise upset, I adopt a similar pose to the woman in the sketch. However, I typically hunch my shoulders and bow my head more, curling myself in as much as possible. In a literally attempt to make myself smaller, close myself off from others, and keep my emotions locked inside, I found myself subconsciously assuming this position countless times a day in eating disorder treatment.
To me the woman in the doodle is holding herself with love and appreciation, not out of a desire to shrink away. At Mirasol, once it was brought to my attention how frequently I shut myself off in this physical way, I learned a reframe for this subconscious posturing. I was encouraged to view this behavior as a gesture of self-love, as though I were giving myself a literal hug when I most needed it. This small reframe became a catalyst for changing the harsh and contemptful voice that I had become so accustomed to speaking to myself in.
The phrase I chose to go beneath the doodle is an enhancement to my initial recovery mantra. The original mantra was simply: I am enough right now. Meaning to me, I can't do anything to change how I physically show up in this moment, so what I have to offer right now (has to be) enough. This helped to reframe my anxiety and tendency to obsess over what was out of my control during treatment (spoiler alert, basically everything). I've since updated the mantra to: I am MORE THAN enough.
As with all effective mantras for me, I say it when I don't believe it in hopes that eventually my words will turn into my thoughts which will become my beliefs that will then be reflected in my actions.
In short, I fake it 'till I make it.
We are a little more than halfway through 2021. In what ways can you find to be more present and grateful in the upcoming days, weeks, and months? Maybe start a gratitude list on your phone, volunteer your time or talent for a cause close to your heart, take more walks, read a book, call a friend you haven't seen in awhile, etc. Whatever fills your cup, do more of that, and the passage of time will hopefully sting a bit less.
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