If you've stuck with me thus far on my 30 by 30 journey, then you know that I have a penchant for rambling prose. For me, writing not only helps me articulate my feelings, but also to understand them. My brain is constantly pulling me in a thousand different directions and writing aids me in organizing the chaos.
I was fortunate to have excellent English and creative writing teachers throughout my school career who encouraged and pushed me as a writer. Judy Ramsey, my 9th grade English teacher, was the first teacher to suggest that I start journaling. So the summer before my Sophomore year, I did just that.
My first few journals were cheap composition notebooks because one of my favorite movies growing up was Harriet the Spy and Michelle Trachtenberg always took her spy notes in a composition notebook. I quickly learned that thicker paper was better however, and began upgrading to better quality journals around 2008.
I wish I could say that I have consistently journaled for the past 15+ years, but the reality is, there were seasons of life when my pen barely met paper. College specifically was a whirlwind as I was a full time student, employee, and partner in a relationship that I refused to acknowledge was unhealthy. So between the ages of about 21-25, I barely wrote except during the summers when I was at my happy place: camp.
When I let the words flow from me without editing or overthinking, repressed emotions and feelings cannot be held back. Catharsis takes over and I can no longer hide from myself.
The human mind is a powerful tool, it can manipulate the narrative and add a rose tinted filter when the reality is deemed too painful to bear. That's why I love/hate stream of consciousness writing...it's impossible to filter.
At the beginning of this year, I decided that it was time to begin digitizing all of my journals. One reason being longevity. I wanted to know that my words were safely tucked away on a cloud somewhere in addition to the original hard copies. I also wanted to start organizing stories and anecdotes for a future book.
I've always felt called to write and with that, a calling to publish my writing. What better way to start then by reviewing the tangled web of words I've already spun?
Well....something I was not anticipating was how emotional the process would be. I started at random. Picking up a journal that I knew had carried me through some of my most difficult teenage experiences, I found myself instantly transported back in time. The emotions, the angst, the conflicts, the relationships, it was all so fresh still.
So much had changed since that time, and yet some things had not. I found myself grappling with emotions about specific relationships that I'm still struggling with today.
So with these revelations, the process has been much slower than I originally anticipated. I've had to step away and give myself time to process some of the stuck feelings and emotions. I've been triggered by how much my writing has been influenced by disordered thoughts about myself and my worth. But I have also been floored by the level of insight and depth I had as a younger woman. High school Jackie had some heavy truths to share and this project is breathing life back into her words.
Even though the task of typing all of my written words is far from finished, the process has at least begun and gratitude is definitely at the forefront. I am grateful that I'm still alive and well despite the risks and recklessness of my youth. I am grateful that the painful moments didn't last forever, even though they felt like they would at the time. And I am grateful to myself for being vulnerable and authentic in my writing, every step of the way.
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