I'm not sure that I would have fallen so in love with yoga had it not been for my eating disorder treatment. When I first sought residential treatment for my eating disorder in 2017 at Carolina House, yoga was one of the few forms of body movement I was allowed to occasionally participate in. I remember being disappointed initially because the style of yoga we were doing didn't feel "challenging" enough.
I wanted my muscles to tremble. I wanted to break a sweat. I wanted to feel like I was doing real exercise damnit! And here this woman was, requiring us to all use props as this was a "supported yin class." Ughhh.
My eating disorder was so intertwined with my relationship to exercise, that the two were essentially fused. I couldn't exercise in a manner that was not destructive. Either I was using it as punishment for eating, or I was exercising as a way to "earn" the meager amounts of food I actually was eating. Either way, body movement for me was never a matter of health or out of appreciation for my body.
This concept of joyful and appreciative body movement remained a foreign concept to me until my long term stay at Mirasol in 2019, where I was on strict exercise restriction for my first 6 weeks of treatment. They believed in a full exercise detox as well as weight restoration before clients were given permission to attend yoga and the gym.
As a former exercise addict, I needed to give my body, mind, and spirit time to completely detox so that I could reprogram my thought patterns and heal. Then I could start reintroducing body movement in a therapeutic and healthy way.
It makes complete sense to me now, but at the time I was furious. I resisted this notion of "zero body movement" so hard because I've always been someone who feels emotions like anxiety, stress, fear, anger in her body. Specifically my limbs. Now I'm being thrust into a treatment environment that basically holds a giant spotlight on my emotions AND I'm being told to "sit with them." It's a miracle I stayed...
I'd be lying if I said I met these restrictions without resistance. In fact, my limbic system took over during the first meal and before my brain knew what was happening, my body was running out the front door and straight into an unknown desert. There were some early nights when all I could to do to ease my anxious body was to sneak some push ups and crunches in my room after lights out. But eventually, I came around. I fully surrendered to the suggestions of the caring professionals around me and I let my body rest, so by the time I was allowed to practice yoga at Mirasol, I no longer thought of body movement the same way.
I was healing my relationship with myself and replacing the ED thoughts, which meant I was viewing yoga as a way to appreciate and show love to my body...FINALLY!
It is because of this loving kindness that I was able to give my body through the act of mindful yoga during and after treatment, that I felt compelled to pursue my teaching certification. In large part because I wanted to deepen my personal practice, but also because I enjoyed the idea of sharing my love of yoga with others someday.
So with the help of a fully online program through the Yoga and Ayurveda Center, I received my 200hr YTT certification this year. I may or may not actually pursue teaching, but for now I am grateful for the knowledge and ever growing appreciation for my expansive and beautiful body.
I am also grateful for the healing power of meditation, asanas, and breathwork. My yoga practice has transformed my appreciation for my body throughout my recovery journey. From the first yoga class at Carolina House when my ED voice was booming to now, I have been coming to my mat repeatedly with the same goal: to show my body gratitude, not to punish it.
Amen, a'ho. So it is.
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